Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
