they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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