last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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