you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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