i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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