i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
