I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
