i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well I just put wine in my tea
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
