Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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