I'm jealous of your bromance
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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