Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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