i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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