Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
