I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
