You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
