Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
