She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
