I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
