We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
