either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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