Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
