I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
