she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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