I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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