Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
