here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
