It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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