My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
