He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
