So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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