Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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