I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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