i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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