I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
