He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
They have beer where we have blood.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
