I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am full of burrito and curiosity
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
