At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
