Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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