I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
