On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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