what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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