Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
