just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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