Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
