god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
