just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
