he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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