Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
