So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
