Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
