he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Boobs speak an international language.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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